Where is my mind?

My mind is constantly working.  I often wish I could give it a rest, but it won’t.  It will keep working until I burn myself out on things I care about for longer than I would like.  The story of Seeds of Aether is something that I have poured my heart and soul into.  I understand now that I handled it wrong in not following a friends advice.  I edited and revised constantly as I went along.  I stared at and poured over a prologue and six or so chapters so many times.  This all totaled a rough draft that had collected forty thousand words.  Words that I had written, re written and in a few cases, took out completely, went a different direction, came back and wrote again.  This was how I burned myself out.

A story that I was writing hard core in and around 2010 and 2011 and touch a little in 2013, sat undisturbed for a few years.  Even today it’s barely worked on and the thought of sitting down to write is one that brings an uneasy feeling.  Thinking about the story is one thing and I am almost constantly thinking about it one form or another.   Writing however, feels like a chore for how I previously failed in my approach.  When I first put the story aside to take a break from it I was also running a campaign in Pathfinder.  The planning that goes into proper game mastering can be exhausting when you are trying to balance it with other creative outlets.

I had believed that I had reached a point where I could fulfill the different areas I use to express myself without it being overwhelming.  As it stands, to some extent this is still true, as long as its certain things.  I feel myself still shying away from Seeds of Aether because of what the last time through did to me.  My passion for it is not gone, but I killed something inside me where once I was able to write a rough draft of a chapter per day, now the pen only has time to touch paper before I move on to other things.

There are a lot of things I would like to have time for that I don’t.  A lot of things that I would like to do that the passion is close to gone.  Repetitiveness is usually the reason that I set something aside.  The exception to that is running a tabletop campaign.  That I lost interest in.  It started with realizing that it interfered with my own interests, but exist to this day where a flicker of running a game based on the Final Fantasy RPG rules or DnD 5.0 rules, the moment is gone quickly: less than a minute quickly.

I truly didn’t really write much of anything for a couple years.  When I reactivated my warcraft account I did start finding my passion again, in the “fan fiction” outlines I was really hoping to turn into published novels that could take canon away from some of the more established lead characters into the role of the heroes that are on the front lines in many situations.  Yes this was built around my first warcraft character, her history and her guild.  I had outlines for several different stories in the world of Azeroth ranging from the story as of day one release of original world of warcraft, up to the end of the Burning Crusade, in total comprising of three different trilogies for these characters.  There is still so much in this story that I am proud of and yet several things I could not get to work story wise.

I realize that likely this is me going through whatever midlife crisis I’m going to have.  That in itself is a collection of mistakes I’ve made with purchases I’ve made over the last year.  Thats a story for another time though.  Recently I came across something that helped ignite the smallest flame I’ve had in a while.  RPG Maker MV.  One of my original dreams was that of making video games like I played from Square.  The software appears simple enough and I’m working on a story to get the characters through to a final boss while working on a test game of setting up events that gets a character to wake up, meet with the town elder, go to the mountains and retrieve an item and fight a boss.  standard rpg formula of simplicity.

It’s the point of frustration for me on a daily basis.   It’s a point of influence on depression when I feel like I have failed myself.   These are my days and these are the parts of me that are starving for creativity.

2 thoughts on “Where is my mind?

Add yours

  1. It looks like you lost your through line somewhere during the second to last paragraph in the last paragraph I’m not sure where you were trying to go with that. Just a heads up.

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