Crisis of Infinite Time

Aging has an impact on us all.  A study found shows that 1 in 4 people suffer from a crisis at mid life.  I’m evaluating mine.  When I consider many of the usual symptoms related to this phenomenon, it does not all directly relate to me or my situation but a lot of it does.  So I considered the following midlife crisis and how I fit into this framework.  Why do I do this?  For myself.  I think its good to have an idea of where you stand, even if you don’t know who you are.  You may not know why you feel certain ways, but even knowing a little, helps keep you grounded, or at least that’s my experience.

Recently I have considered the process of degrading mental capacities with  aging and how much I’ve forgotten or how life is but an echo of a dream of a memory.  How things I once found interesting, table top, console gaming, Warcraft, writing, different technologies, political expression have all dwindled to near non-existent.  Even for the brief moment I picked up a passion to investigate, RPG Maker so I could produce my own games easily.

One of the things mentioned was upset at where society is going and experience a desire to change the world for the better.  I’ve always had this desire, and am constantly upset, but most of me now wants to watch the selfish burn.  I followed a guy on facebook because I found his experience, outlook and idea interesting but thats the most of it, most peoples ideas are stupid.  Many of my beliefs have become more adamant while I have at the same time, become less vocal about them.

I’ve spent a long time in the IT industry and feel like my life is locked into it.  Even if its only to use the skills I’ve developed to maintain a certain or higher level of living.  So my desire to move into possible different career path and having the desire to teach and share is evident to myself.   I’m not sure if its about passing along a “legacy” or just a desire to improve the world as a whole.  In  that consideration, I look into the idea of teaching.  Currently working on a side site, which will host videos that are screen capped as I cover certain topics to help others.  I may get into these topics, like the cost of college, health insurance etc in other topics but its part of things i see and feel.

I have often wanted to find myself going to unfamiliar recently.  Changing out of the mundane routine I’m in with go to work come home repeat.  Something different.  Something new and something carefree.  A couple years ago, I spent an inheritance, while some was for good, got lasik, got a car and got wife lasik and took my kids to Disneyland where I obtained video of them going one on one with Darth Vader.  There was a lot of toy purchasing.  Guitar that now collects dust, weight machine, punching bag that both have been sold.  All this desire to get into shape.  Xbox which has been sold   New computer, desk, fancy chair.  Trying to fill a emotional hole with physical stuff.

Then there are health issues.  I have also recently started taking medication for anxiety which resulted in irritability and unexpected anger.  In the last 6 years, my thyroid was removed and cancer was found, although subsequent scans have been clean.  I have experienced SVT to a degree cardiac ablation has be recommended, although I scared myself out of that, I do take medication for that as well as blood pressure.  I still take the thyroid hormone medication i’ve taken my whole life and finally, being diabetic, metformin.   With all of this while i’m not fully changed, my eating habits are better although not perfect, i have done more “hikes” in 2 months than the last decade, having lost 20 pounds since that started so there is a desire to get healthier.  I have cut nicotine and alcohol out of life completely, drink more water than ever before.

I want it to be considered, that around 10 years ago, I was making half of what I make now.  Back then I fell like I was trapped by fiscal responsibilities.  Tied down by money, living paycheck to paycheck, constrained on every purchase, every day.  Today, I still fill that way with twice the money I had then.  I don’t know if thats midlife crisis material in this case, but it was mentioned and I consider feel that no matter how hard I work that I can’t seem to get ahead.

I have done things that are out of character.  I have found myself questioning not my own existence, but my direction in life.  Only because all the things I once found interesting, I have burned myself out on or even lost interest in.  A period of apathy and loneliness that helps drive home a certain feeling of nothingness.  It’s a weird place to be. Growing up you have all the answers. Until you don’t. I don’t.

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