“I’m caught in a hurricane. I’m leaving here dead or alive. And I know that I’d be willing to feel the pain. If it got me to the other side.”Hurricane – Theory of a Deadman
There’s little room for happiness, when you’re stuck between the emotional numbness of medication and the burning hatred of your own self esteem. Sure it sounds like a pity party, but it can be severely life impacting when you feel stagnant, non progressing and in many cases, having failed, no matter how much better you are now than you ever were.
Without writing a novel it’s almost impossible to clearly explain how that state can affect almost every aspect of your existence. Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem. Even when they appear independent, can still work together in a harmony of insults and put downs, making you your own worst bully.
When I take a deep breath and look at the situation from the outside I can see that it’s not the truth. It’s hard to maintain the energy required to keep that focus, when your own mind is taking swings at you, working the ribs, wearing you down, draining you.
I have always classified myself as some what of a dreamer. So many things I’m interested in accomplishing. So many things I’m interested in learning. So many things going on in my head. So little time that I often allow myself to get overwhelmed relatively easy. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
I often find myself overwhelmed, attempting to take on more than I can handle, because I want to finish all these goals and scheduling different parts of my day never seems to work out and I run out of available time. The can easily lead to defeatist bouts of depression, down the rabbit hole you go. The irony of medication is, it can help alleviate the symptoms of depression, but at the same time can leave you feeling numb, uncaring and indifferent.