Several years ago I tried to sit down and chronicle my life. It was an attempt really reflect on events and their subsequent effect on the years that followed. I covered quite a bit in that first go but felt there was something missing. I think I was coming in with the opposite of the perspective I initially wanted to. Or it was that the perspective I wanted to think about it changed. I don’t feel like the previous work was nulled, but it has now made it feel incomplete.
I tried to divide the whole thing into a before and after situation. The years before October 13, 1998 and the years after. The person I was and the person I am. I think I’ve learned now that wasn’t the way to approach it but rather the holisticness of it all. That’s not to say that there aren’t parts, just that that I decided to ignore the whole. For the most part I’m still going to try and take things chronologically but try to compare what I remember of my opinions then and what my opinions on things now are.
I spent a long time wanting to believe that there were two versions of me: one that existed before the mentioned date and the one that existed after. I think over recent years that philosophy has crumbled as I have reassessed a lot of things in life. There was once an arrogance to my thinking that I have since abandoned. Maybe it’s age and experience that comes with being able to accept when one has been wrong.
When I started the Youtube channel it was the idea that I could provide myself some personal therapy by voicing some of those feelings. I never really was able to get into the deep side of things. I think that’s why I turned to this platform. I have found that the “written” word I am much more able to communicate those feelings and express those ideas. I’ve known for a long time that under the surface I’m an angry person. This isn’t to say I’m malicious or violent. It is however bred from a lifetime of resentment and regret. Other reasons that we’ll get into have helped point me in more directions. This is where I hope to approach things from a more holistic perspective.
Recently my youngest child has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. Yes I know. Technically it doesn’t exist and it’s Level 1 Autism. That which is considered high functioning. As the testing proceeded I really began to take stock in things the doctor was seeing, and what I had overlooked not only in my child, but also in myself. While I’m currently beginning testing for myself, having looked more into it after this diagnosis I can line up many of the symptoms. Sure you could consider this “self-diagnosis” but since this began pieces have fallen into place. Forty year old questions have very plausible answers.
My child was able to get this diagnosed at a young age. But imagine going through life without it. Granted, like everybody you have to grow and adapt with life, but in many ways it can and will be more difficult for autistic individuals. I feel I have had to do that. I feel I have adapted pretty good all things considered. I think my experiences have helped shape me into a good person with good values. But again. Holistic. And this is where we begin.