The shattered reflection of my human condition.
I am not autistic. I have autism. For more than one reason it’s becoming a subject I’m learning as I go. Many times in my forty plus years I’ve considered that I have an abnormal or “a-typical” perspective on things. Until recently I had never really considered the spectrum. Taking that along with a recently indication of PTSD from youth the puzzle pieces started to fall into place.
This gives me a new perspective to consider who I am. A collection of regret and resentment have lingered throughout the years, never understood, never dealt with. I’m an angry person. I’m not violent. I’m not abusive. I’m often cold and bitter and carry around that lifetimes supply of resentment. Needless to say the last few years have been interesting. What started out appearing like just mid-life depression has served as an entryway of new understanding.
The truth of this diagnosis has been a double-edged sword. Understanding that “the affliction doesn’t define me” but at the same time knowing “I am the way I am because of the affliction.” I imagine this is something I’m going to understand along the way. I think going so long without a diagnosis is now something that I’m not necessarily wrapping my head around. Over the course of my life I have managed to adapt to certain situations. In some cases I’ve learned this is referred to as masking.
What now though? Where do I go from here? While nothing seems actually different, there are now a whole array of tools and resources to help me better deal with things I’ve experienced. A diagnosis, may be an answer to a question unanswered for a lifetime doesn’t change who I am. It’s always been there even if it didn’t have a name at the time.
The original idea of this blog was just to be a digital representation of me. No different than any average blog per se. It was a place to express thoughts and opinions. It’s still going to be the same thing, but this time I get to look at it through a different lens. One better suited for my “new” perception. It’s a piece of the puzzle. Nothing more. But it’s more of a border piece that can assist in finding where the other pieces may fit.